Youtookmyname

Hollow Heart

Sigh...it's been 3 months since the break-up but the pain still feels like it was yesterday. I hope it won't be more longer. I guess this is what happen when you get into a serious relationship and put your future, hope and career at stake. How much more substantial can a man show his love when everything about him circles around one person? Maybe that's why it's bothering me so much... 3 months and I get 2-3 hours of sleep and the rest of the night pondering & thinking the "what-ifs" and "whys"... What if we had more time like we did? why were we so perfect before? what if we could hang out again? why can't i be with her a little longer? Why can't we just talk? What if I was given another chance? Why do I seem like a bad person? Why wasn't I given more time to be with her? why isn't everything seem to be against me? Why are so many jockeys and liars out there could cheat and get away with everything and yet me, did nothing but tell the truth and help people, get me no where... and even backwards. Nights after nights and even days... my heart seem so hollow, like there's something missing inside me, a heart, soul or just a mind. Jokes don't seem to be funny anymore and ironically, life seems so surreal. It's been 3 months but sometimes, I'm still hopeful that one night I can finally sleep. But nights after nights, all the pain, discouragment and hopelessness seem to stack up and be filled. This is when I realize I do have so much love for her. So much love that 3 months after the break up, I'm still sitting here at 1:13am writing this.

Grrr...why

I was approached by my managers today about a training that they wanted me to give.

Give a training? Ok... you might think, wow he’s approached by his managers about a training, what an honor to have. Maybe his skills have surpassed everyone and his chance for promotion is near...

Nah...the truth is, I was pretty honored to be mentioned by my managers, much more asked to host a training for the team. But there’s always two sides of the coin, the other side is... I have to train everyone to be like me. So as honorable as it may seemed, it’s really not. I’m basically giving a training to shred away the parts that made me stand out among them. Furthermore, it took me some time to learned those skills from numerous sources. Then I put those byproduct of what I learned and dwell more onto it with my own experiences and knowledge. I can’t give all that out to people who’s competing with me. sigh...

If you're wondering whether if i like my coworkers at work, the answer should be clear...if I didn't love my job and the people there then, I wouldn't have posted this blog in dilemma. There's just  things that's much easier to think than do. :/

Btw, I'm the only Viet out of 30 Indian people at work. And I got hired for without a degree yet, whereas they're all hired for their BS and doing their MS :/

CJ7poster

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Rocks!

What are you ashamed of?

I'm ashamed of my courage to speak out sometimes. I just let it slide because it wouldn't make a different, at least I knew it probably wouldn't matter. Like recently when the wind blade that me and a partner had made was broken because it was made too thinly. We went to the lab professor and he refused to reprint it for us. On top of that he chastised our design, saying it was a bad design. At that point, I almost lost my temper and carp at him for his impolite and inconsiderate words. And I could have very well supported by others, but I went mute and just accepted it was a bad design, knowing the end was near and if we did have a chance to reprint it over we'd be the last group to stay and get it all done. Since my groups members were not so eager to achieve that kind of achievement, I just pretended and muted to speak out and yell at the professor. Furthermore, it'd make him look bad...yes... I was that considerate for him too. It's only a class what does it matter? Despite that my courage was trimmed and ashamed, I learned something, that is I'll definitely speak out when matter become more important at hand... like in a workplace where everything is meticulously watched and respected.

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$10 haircut woooot!... T_T

I'm NOT going to a cheap barbershop again.

I vow ]: [

I used to look like this!

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I suddenly grew to love polo shirts! I really like how it fits me perfectly and puts me ready for anything for the whole day. Unlike T-shirts, which can be too casual for certain occasions, polo shirts look great at any occasions, formal or not. Buttoned down shirt may look too formal or dressy for upbeat activities.

Oh! girls look great in them too!

WIM-GK64W02_ld

A girl

8pm on a Monday she called me up to study for her Intro to Psychology exam. The conversation went something like this:

Minh: Hey, could you come pick me up?
Cuong: Why can't you come here?
Minh: I'm too tired. *jokingly* could you take a bus and pick me up?
Cuong: Uhhhhh, no thanks, drive your butt over here.
Minh: sigh,...ok

8:20pm - She arrived with an empty stomach. So she went and grabbed some instant noodle.
8:45pm - Finished eating it.

I was there staring at this brat slurping the chicken flavered noodle. And then by the time she's done, I was staring MORE of her studying. In other words: why the hell did she called me up when I'm not doing anything.

We were studying in the lobby so I led her to the computer lab where it's more quiet. There was no one there so she picked a spot at the back, logged onto AIM to check something, signed off and resume studying. 10mins into the study, she says: "I can't concentrate" So I read the textbook to her. 10mins later, she started crying!!! wth?

the story:

This blog is a sequel to my previous blog: Minh-*** ***** LOL

To give a head up for this sequel, I'll mentioned that this girl is crazy. In order to selfishly date this guy, she went all out and gave up everything. For more details read my previous blog.

So back to the story. She finally told me within this past 8months of dating this guy, her checking account went from $20k to $2k. The reason, they need to shop or spend money whenever they hang out. Otherwise they have nothing to do. In other words, they pretty much went shopping for stuff and movies. I was like W-T-F, what kind of relationship were you guys in?!!?!!

Listen to this:
This guy has no money; he works at a gas station. He couldn't even afford a Valentine's Day dinner! because all of his credit cards were rejected when he tried to paid. She paid MOST of the meals within the 8months of dating him. Now they broke up and he told her he never loved her from day 1. She cried and cried and cried while telling me all that. If you think that's bad. Listen to this, she nagged for him to stay with her, saying (listen to this), because he lives with his relative, she can't come to his place and do laundry and clean his room. wth? The next day, she confronted to him if he's absolutely sure there's no way he'd accept her, he said he can't be more sure than this, this time. She cried again 3x more than she cried to me.

What's next? She worked out a friendship with him, THINKING ONE DAY HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND.

Yes, I used to love her.